Although we receive many daily calls requesting some form of assistance, this one ranks as one of my favorites.  The only thing I can divulge is; this person was, and unfortunately, probably still is a Marine and works within a high profile environment that always requires immediate response time. In essence, anytime this department has any issues, regardless of insignificants, we must respond immediately.  The pathetic portion of this is, everyone within this high profile environment is aware of their theoretical importance and utilizes it to fullest potential.  Any way…

The conversation starts with my usual sarcasm and offer to provide basic assistance.  What follows is something that sounds like English and somewhat humanoid in nature, however speech pattern resembles someone attempting to communicate with a mouth full of dirty socks.  What a thought I heard was…

"My EFUMS ain’t work’n"

My initial reaction was to request the customer remove the sock from his mouth and speak clearly, however thought better of it. However, I did ask him to repeat himself.

"My EFUMS ain’t work’n"

Nope…  I heard correctly the first time and began to wonder if I could trade this job for what is behind door #2.  No luck…  Quickly attempting to regain personal whit, and NOT say something too stupid, I ask customer to describe the issue.  My method of madness centers on isolating issue and perhaps grasping basic concept of his immediate problem.

"My EFUMS ain’t work’n"

Biting my tongue and mumbling; “Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again” I try to approach issue from a different and less intellectually changing perspective.  My next words had to be carefully selected and not convey personal exasperation.  *sigh* Hmmm, lets ask something relatively simple such as the computer “asset number” which is displayed in Kings English upon each computer.

Sir, could you give me the computer asset number?

"My EFUMS ain’t work’n"

As God as my witness, I can’t make this stuff up and would not wish this on anyone.  Nevertheless, this was one of the rare occasions when I truly wanted to resolve an issue and would not be daunted by this intellectually challenged Neanderthal.  One last question before I cut my wrists…

Sir, is there anyone sitting near you that is experiencing the same issue?

"My EFUMS ain’t work’n"

You win…  I finally managed to extract basic information such as his name and phone number however not much else to create an issue detail for some brave soul to personally address.  On a sad note, I never learned what an “EFUMS” was or if it was simply a figment of the Neanderthals imagination.

Sucks to be me...