In compliance with Homeland Security Presidential Directive 12/HSPD-12, the Department of Defense mandates all Joint Task Force personnel confined to GTMO utilize a Common Access Card (CAC) to log onto their personal computers. This card is basically your entire life history processed into a small chip and imbedded into a piece of plastic the size of a common credit card.

To access your computer, this card must be inserted into a small external device (reader) that is attached to your computer and a 6 to 8 digit PIN code is entered to authenticate its owner. Technically, this process is simplistic by nature however, the readers sometimes posses the personality of a willful 5 year old and fail to recognize the inserted card.

With that stated, the following conversation might make a degree of sense and explain why my wife shutters when she must take me out in public.

Caller: Ahhhh, my CAC ain’t work’n no more and I get some kind’a message.

Me: *sigh* What’s the error message and how may I help you?
(Another fuck’n genius, I think to myself…)

Caller: Ahhhh, I can’t logon to my computer.

Me: Yes sir, we have established that, however, I would like to know the error message. I might be able to correct the issue remotely rather than send someone there.

Caller: Well, when I stick it in, nothing happens.

Editor’s Note:
Now, I knew what should be said, however considering I did not have my morning coffee and was feeling rather childish, I thought I should entertain myself for a few moments... Sadly, the conversation went downhill from here and transpired as follows...

Me: Is your CAC card inserted within the reader?

Customer: Yes, sir, it is...

Me: OK, sir, remove the card please...

Customer: OK, card is removed.

Me: OK, place CAC card in your left hand. Is it in your left hand?

Customer: Yes, sir. It's there.

Me: Very good. Now hold the card over your head and slowly swing it around your head 3 times and place it back into the CAC card reader and try again.

Dead silence, and then I heard the unbelievable.

Customer: One... Two... Three... Ahhhh, sir, it still says the same thing...

As God as my witness, I could NOT make this shit up. I had the leave the building to recompose myself...