Believe it or not, the U.S. military in their infinite whit and wisdom, mandated all GTMO personnel (contractors included) to attend Sexual Abuse Training.  OK, boys and girls, I am relatively certain the basic concept of sexual abuse is easily ascertainable and does not require video and screaming from camouflaged personnel.  Basically stated and reduced to simplest terms, I had the luxury of receiving a 60 minute lecture on “do’s and don’ts” of opposite gender treatment and communication.  Give me a fuck’n break...

The basic pretence of this Sexual Abuse Training was, “no humping after drinking.”  As God as my witness, I can’t make this shit up…  Lady’s and gentleman, it’s basic common knowledge, men my age and that unfortunately posses the same inferior physical attributes as me, require mass quantities of alcohol, just to convince women to engage in consensual adult escapades.  To add insult to injury, I suspect that’s how many of us entered this world...  The implied solution within this training centered on, “If you and your partner of choice had a few drinks, and that special twinkle is in your eye, DON’T HUMP...”  Think it over, sober up, and try it again minus the Jack Daniel's.  Just shoot me...

To make matters more entertaining, the Sexual Abuse Training outlined the stereotypical profile generally known to perpetrate this dastardly deed.  Boys and girls, you might find this astonishing however...  85% of the time, It’s a male between the ages of 18 and 25 and alcohol played some role in their improper decision making.  Holy shit, Batman, 18 to 25?  I could technically be this person’s father!!!  “Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot.” Why am I in this training?